Emotional Manipulation

spring fresh

Good time for emotional spring cleaning

Again and again I observe how the most talented, warmhearted and sensitive people are controlled and limited by their passive, flattened ego. In contrast stands the bold, elevated and active ego, which tends to be better known simply because it expresses itself blatantly and obviously (loud and inflated). But precisely the identification model which is characterised by doubt, anxiety, avoidance and delay can be very powerful: the hidden or passive ego.

People with a passive ego are often helpful, imaginative, compassionate and sensitive, but at the same time insecure and disorientated. Usually the root cause is a traumatic experience when they were children. A lack of psychological support and the absence of a functional relationship with the parents. As they have not experienced a healthy relationship model, they easily become a target or victim of energy vampires when they are grown up. The first childhood experiences of emotional manipulation by a narcissistic mother and / or a narcissistic father configure an imprint and belief that implies that love is unavoidably linked to control attempts and abuse (emotionally, energetically, psychologically, physically). And if this pain pattern, which was conditioned during childhood, is not consciously resolved as an adult and if emotional wounds and fragmentations are not healed, then situations will keep coming up, which activate this Achilles heel and familiar programme.

In a way also energy vampires are victims, because they have to get from others what they are lacking. They ignore and conceal their insecurities in many ways and seek refuge in control attempts and manipulation. Through emotional manipulation they get empathy, compassion and attention. Ultimately their behaviour is nothing else but vampirism and narcissism. The motivation behind such psychological, emotional and energetic maneuvering:
• Control
• Power
• Entitlement
• Attention
• Boredom
Most people understand that playing with the feelings of others is neither morally-ethically correct nor fair and virtuous. But there are individuals who have such twisted self-awareness and are so checked out that they do not realize how manipulative and overbearing their actions are and how they siphon their fellow humans.

The following overview is intended to help people with a passive ego to become aware of the tactics of narcissistic manipulators and to be able to draw more easily healthy boundaries. The 5 most common manipulation techniques:

1. Making others feel guilty
No matter what you do, it never seems to be good enough. Whether it is concerning your work, your looks, your gifts, the amount of calls and visits, your timing, your contributions or your beingness. Somehow, you never seem to be good enough and do the right thing. The response of the manipulator can be described as reduced, distant, disappointed or snappy, which leaves you feeling confused, bad and guilty. The last straw: when the manipulator projects in a non-verbal way a threat to “harm himself” if you withdraw and do not deliver.

2. Pretending to help 
Typical phrases to conceal control attempts, interference and energy vampirism: “I just wanted to help.”, I’m just worried about you.” “I just want to know that you’re okay.” “Oh, this must be a misunderstanding, I just mean well. I want the best for you.”

3. Draining others energetically
This invisible strategy is subtle, but not less powerful and persistent. On the contrary, the manipulator seems to have octopus-like energy tentacles attached to you and robs you of your vitality. He wants your attention no matter how near or far away you are, whether up and close personal or remotely on the other side of the globe.

4. Lying and confusing others
This tool kit consists of small lies, unduly big lies or ambiguous, misleading statements and exaggerations, which let the manipulator appear in a favourable light – and make you doubt your perception, your memory and sanity.

5. Displacing somebody
Passive aggressive behaviour by the manipulator includes the circulation of rumors and the strategic placement or omission of information, so that people in your environment develop resentments against you. Triangulation, a tactic where one person will not speak directly with another person but uses a third person to influence the flow / nuances of the communication, can cause additional rivalry, inconsistency, confusion and division.

Moving forward

You have the right to draw healthy boundaries and to take time off to reconsider a situation or relationship. No matter who pushes, whether dad, mom, a sibling, your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, boss or guru, have a good look and examine the demanding and controlling behaviour patterns of the manipulator. Do not feel intimidated or insecure because your anxiety and confusion only feeds his pattern. Do not be put off by his childish reactions, the typical rage, defiance, stroppiness or sulking. Watch, breathe, stop playing the game, pull yourself out, shield yourself.

Take all the time and support you need to heal, complete and strengthen yourself to melt the passive ego. Realize that it was most likely during your childhood, in the relationship with your parents, that the initial imprints happened which left you open for emotional manipulation. Now you can turn the poison into medicine.


Discernment: telling the difference between functional and dysfunctional relationships – ‘the good ones go into the pot…’

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